Review: Professor Phardtpounders Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce

It’s hard not to stare at Professor Phardtpounders Colon Cleaner Hot Sauce…

Go ahead. Try and look away. Its quirky vintage label and overly silly name make this one fine collectible hot sauce. If you’re looking for a chili gift with a sense of humor, you’ve got a great one here.

But does the taste, balance, and usability match the collectible cool? Let’s break it down. You may be surprised by what makes this hot sauce tick.

Flavor:

If you’re a fan of sweet, sour, and spicy, you’re going to love the flavor of Colon Cleaner hot sauce. It takes you on a serious sweet-sour ride. It starts off a bit sweet when it hits the tongue, mostly due to the white wine, Dijon mustard, and sugar in the mix. But very soon the sour kicks in from a mix of the red vinegar and yellow mustard. Then, of course, the hammer drops when the heat hits. Mixed through it all is onion, turmeric, and other spices that give a slight hint of curry to the sauce. 

Overall – It’s extremely tasty. We’ve found the flavors work really well for eggs, ground beef dishes, Caribbean dishes, and Indian cuisine. The Dijon does factor here, though. If you dislike Dijon mustard, you may not like the flavor of Colon Cleaner. It definitely has that sweet mustard kick. But for those of us that do, it’s a serious step up from a dab of Poupon.

Heat Balance:

This is not a mild hot sauce, know that going in. It stars two mighty hot chili peppers in the popular habanero and its slightly sweeter cousin, the scotch bonnet pepper. Both pack Scoville heat unit ranges from 100,000 to 350,000 in pure form. This hot sauce doesn’t reach anywhere near those marks, but it does pack a legitimate punch. Some give it a range of 50,000 to 250,000 Scoville heat units, but that may be a bit high of a ceiling.

Is it a heat the whole family can enjoy? Likely not. But it is a step up in heat that someone a little adventurous will really love. Remember, it’s called Colon Cleaner hot sauce, after all. And it’s a well balanced heat against a pretty full-bodied hot sauce. It hits pretty fast and doesn’t linger so you get a lot of the sauce’s overall flavor on both the front-end and back-end of the eating experience.

Collectibility:

Here’s where Professor Phardtpounders Colon Cleaner hot sauce really shines. It hits all the right marks. Crazy name? Check. Funky label? Check. Cool quirky story? Check. And the topper – it’s delivered in an elixir bottle. That’s perfect for this “Elixir of Capsaicin Extremus”. This is one of those bottles that grabs the eye immediately in a hot sauce collection, and it makes an awesome spicy stocking stuffer.

Usability:

As mentioned, this super tasty hot sauce works well on foods where mustard works – eggs, burgers, etc… The sweet heat works with Caribbean dishes (thanks too to the scotch bonnet), and the hint of curry opens up the door to Indian recipes. But it’s not as readily usable as a bottle of Tabasco sauce or Sriracha. And the high heat does limit the taste buds that’ll enjoy it, even with the heat being fast to hit and fast to leave. Still, it’s an excellent collectible hot sauce to have around, bringing a spicy and unique mustard flavor to the cupboard. When it works flavor-wise, it shines.

The Score:

Professor Phardtpounder’s Colon Cleaner is a flavorful, mustard-based hot sauce with nicely balanced heat. It’s very collectible and makes a statement on the table. Mustard-based hot sauces, though, are not for everyone. (Amazon)